I am unsure of how to deal with many things in my life right now. I'm even more unsure of how they will pan out in the end. Some of this is too personal for a public journal, but some is not.
First of all, I've tried out for Guerilla Improv, despite some ambivalence, which is part genuine and part intense fear and lack of self-confidence masquerading as uncertainty. I just don't think I'm good enough, and I worry that if I am accepted the first term will be a term of disgrace as everyone begins to realize that I don't actually have that potential that they thought I did. I also worry that it will further devastate my diminished amount of personal time, and that I won't be able to give it that constant edge of passion and energy you need for a group like Guerilla Improv. I auditioned Thursday, and I was called back. Callbacks are Monday (today) at 7pm, and whenever I thought about it on Friday I got that hole in the bottom of my stomach as if I was about to go up in a front of an audience of thousands with no speech prepared. I haven't thought about it at all this weekend.
Kilroy is in a very dangerous and unstable position right now. Kilroy lost a lot of seniors last year, and there are maybe 8 or 9 of us now. There are at least 17 or 18 new freshmen if not more. Furthermore, our Producer and Director, though talented and awesome people, are sophomores and have been active in Kilroy for only 2 terms so far. We are an open group, which is to say all are welcome and we don't have auditions. Everyone who wants to join can, and if you submit a script you have as much chance of it getting in the show as everyone else's does. At the end of last B term we began a policy of requiring active members to write scripts for the upcoming show, and though the rule sometimes gets bent, it's effective and beneficial.
However, Kilroy has no established system to deal with the problem of a tremendous influx of interested freshmen. Our Producer has the potential to be a fine leader and decision maker, but is justifiably intimidated by his role in the face of so many new people, and we have very little guidance of experienced people. At the first meeting, Adam Ribaudo, director of GI and unaffiliated with Kilroy, sat next to our Producer and advised him to the extent of controlling the flow of the entire meeting. We had a wildly unstructured idea session which began with standard GI improv games and eventually degenerated into telling semifunny true stories about our lives.
I am the only active person in Kilroy who has been here for over a year. And me only just barely. Bill Lazzaro and Mike Fortier would also meet those qualifications, but they are having their own problems keeping up with their lives and can't commit to Kilroy now. At the second meeting, we attempted to have an idea session for a productive purpose, to decide on a trailer. This too was very unstructured. It began with the idea of splitting into two groups, but past that every piece of structure and nuance of decisions that were made were suggested by me to the Producer and instantly adopted.
The idea had been brought up by the Producer to give freshmen control over voting and the show. To me, this seemed like an extremely risky and dangerous idea, and after some discussion it was decided that that wouldn't happen. Then, at the second meeting, after the idea session and before our closing comments to the new people, I was told by the Producer that he was about to give them that power again, and after a hushed and intense conversation between me and him over the flaws and merits of that plan, it was again decided that the show would be determined this term by only returning members. After the decision was made, he turned around and told everyone. That was how close it was.
In my opinion, an (emergency) meeting should have been called for returning members about the high number of freshmen and how we should deal with it. Everyone, including myself, is excited about how many new people there are, and eager to see the lamers drop out and the stars rise. I won't bother going into my full reasons for not giving them control of the show yet, but one of them is that we'd be doing so before any kind of filtering process, including that of time alone, has been done on the new batch of people. Anyway.
My Electrical Engineering class is run by a maniacal but lovable evil genius who talks degradingly and condescendingly to all of his students, including myself, with such flair and character that I think I'm falling in love. I also believe that if you take away his Russian accent he would be highly reminiscent of Christopher Walken. The fact that he is a cool guy is at least one thing I can be certain of as I move into one of the most highly unstable periods of my life.